I’m feeling a lot of pressure at the moment, and I probably have done it to myself, but everything is a mess. I went in to the gym expecting to have an easy day, but then we did a Tabata workout in the morning and competition class was hard. Wrestling is just wrecking me (and my self-confidence). I don’t think my wrestling is bad, but when we get into rotation sparring, I’m just so frustrated because I can’t manage to control my takedowns. This ended with me crying through the entire session of rotation sparring. After I finished crying through twenty minutes of stand-up rotation sparring (I don’t think anyone noticed because no-gi=so much sweat), I had various little breakdowns during our regular sparring (10 x 4 minutes). I kept being told by my professor that I have to keep fighting when I’m standing. I’m fighting as hard as I can and it’s not working.
I’m not training tonight, and I already feel guilty about it, but I’m on the verge of tears still, so I know if I train, it won’t be good training. I snapped at my friends and I feel bad about it, and I haven’t slept through the night for about a month. This morning I was up at 4am. I can tell that I’m writing like a meth-head, but the number of fucks I give is approximately zero. I’m hungry and I’m exhausted and all I want is a hug.
I’m stuck at the gym until 8:30 too, because I don’t have a car today. Fuuuuuck.
TAP TAP TAP 
I always feel very guilty when taking a session off, even when I need it.
For what it’s worth, I still can’t do anything. Trying to pass guard makes me want to smash my head into the sidewalk. Trying to hold guard makes me want to smash my head into the sidewalk. Trying to get a takedown, y’know. Punching/kicking people was going okay, but then I tried to spar a taller guy with a really stiff jab and started bleeding everywhere. I know you’ve already put your time in on that, but everyone has bad days and everyone needs rest sometimes. Maybe take a break?
Breaks are not an option right now.
Are naps and a snack an option? Use them as much as you can.
There are going to be dips in proficiency when you ratchet up the skill level and physicality of those you’re grappling against. They are frustrating as hell and I can’t tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t right or normal. I can’t really tell you much other than “Keep going. After a while, you’ll break on through to the other side or you’ll know when it’s time to quit this particular thing.”
So… keep going. Keep being a badass woman and writer – which you are – and keep on adding to it little bit by little bit. Keep kissing them dragons.
Check out this book. It’s a short read and is totally changing things for me: